I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
