I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
