All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
