And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
