I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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