In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
they need to just BURY HIM!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
