im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize