apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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