I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
