there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
