saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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