I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He felt like a one man threesome
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
