Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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