I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
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If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize