I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she told me i tasted like america
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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