God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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