Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
