He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
