WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
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Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!