Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.