Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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