I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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