Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
