I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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