She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
