I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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