I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
try to milk me bitch
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