it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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