on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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