im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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