True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
