Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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