If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
