Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
