I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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