A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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