My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
you made out with another girl for some wings
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize