You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
