Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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