My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
