In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
