so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Randomize
