remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
