We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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