Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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