Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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