I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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