I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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