i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
