at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
