God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
