There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
