i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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