the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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