I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
