While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
