I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
