it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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