if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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