Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
