I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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