He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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