The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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