Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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