You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
