I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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